I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Acid is not a monday night drug
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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