I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
