My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
