Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
