I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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