pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
