there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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