He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
