what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
