Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
