Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize