Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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