last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
