There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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