Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
