The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
