Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
