She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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