I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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