Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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