I want to walk on stilts...naked
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
