In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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