I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Randomize
