Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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