someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
