I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
