I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just gift wrapped bread.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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