that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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