I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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