btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
