At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
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Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
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It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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