YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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