Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
