respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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