He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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