I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
