too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize