i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
