brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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