OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
