the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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