Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
