you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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