Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize