maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
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