I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
