I got chris browned last night
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
