lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
