Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize