Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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