It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
