How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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