Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
