I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
