You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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