i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
