Your dad touched me again.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I think I just sharted jello shots
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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