I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
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