So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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