She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
How many fucks given?
0.12846
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
